Origin Stories recounts, in concise lyrical form, the bodily pasts as prologue for your favorite Mr. Funny Bones characters.
Origin Stories: October 2025
Category: Uncategorized
The Return of the Screwball: XIII
XIII
“Next patient. Oh, hello. Have a seat in my new dental chair. Just had it installed.”
“HA! Gets ’em every time! Chair’s not even new! So, what can I do you for? Take care of that huge underbite? You could put books on that shelf! Um, you know that, right? Now, open wide.”
“Hmm hmmhm hmm hmmhmhmm hmm hmhm hmm. Hmm hm hmmhmm?”
“Oh, Jesus. Who sent you here? Was it that ROTTEN LITTLE CARCASS Missy?! Lemme turn up the compressor. I’m gonna need more gas for this conversation.”
“Alright. Where to start? So, two years ago, this kid – some baseball rookie, the dead brother of an equally dead lock-kneed pole dancer in town people call Chica Mutante – stops in to have his teeth reset because he took a bat to the jaw.”
“It just so happened his name in Spanish was the same as mine in English, so not long after the appointment I start getting his mail. I figured it was because he was on the run from the law and didn’t want to leave a trail, so he had it all sent to my address.”
“Hmm hmm hm hmhmm hmm?”
“I know. Crazy, right? Anyway, these packages start showing up every couple days or so, and the next thing I know, I’m staring at 20 boxes of jockstraps in my waiting room.”
“Hmmm hmmhm.”
“I know, right?! This skeleton’s got no athletic to support! So, on one of my slower days I decide to try one on.”
“Hmm hmm hmmhm hm?”
“Yeah, well, not everybody’s rushing to see a clown dentist. Anyway, I strap one on, and the next thing I know, I’m standing in the middle of the gluten-free aisle at Skully’s supermarket.”
“Hmmm! Hm hmm hmm.”
“I know, right?! I mean, I don’t have celiac disease. I don’t even have intestines.”
“So, it took me a while to figure out what was going on because I was still a bit woozy from the gas. But there I am at Skully’s in the middle of gluten-free and – now, here’s the best part – I’m dressed in a scarlet silk cheongsam.”
“Hmm hmm hm hm?”
“Well, turns out, I didn’t have to do anything because the next thing I know, I’m back in my waiting room. No cheongsam, no jock. I grab my phone to check the date and time, thinking I had just come back from some extended gas-powered psychedelic trip, and what pops up? An alert about some dead ladyboy in a bright red dress who appeared from outa nowhere at Skully’s and then disappeared, leaving behind a smoldering jockstrap.”
“Hmm. Hm hmm hmmm hmm hmm hmm?”
“The first thing I did after taking a huge hit of the nitrous was look again at those boxes. You know what they said? Made in China. Just like that spy satellite rocket that caught fire and broke apart over Texas. Now, I ask you: Coincidence?”
“Hmm. Hmmm hm hmm hm hmmm hm hm hmm hm hmmm hm?”
“Trial and error, basically. After about four or five, I figured out how to work those magic jocks, costumes and all. I couldn’t do anything about them detaching and bursting into flames, though. I needed that for re-entry.”
“Hmm hmm hmmm hmm hm?”
“His real name was Sucio Rico, but he went by Alejandro. No idea what he was planning on doing with them. Smuggle illegals across the border, maybe? I can’t imagine strapping any of those jocks on women or children. They were all extra large.”
“Hmmm hmm hmm hm hmm hmm hmmmm hmm?”
“Hadn’t thought about that. I suppose you could carry one or two under each arm. That’s what I was planning on doing with my missing fentanyl shipments once I tracked them down in that SHITHOLE OF A SHAMLET Crystal Crevice.”
“I looked everywhere for those damn shipments. The library. A private club. A church. Somebody’s yacht. A yarn shop. Liquor store. A laundromat. Bakery. A nursing home. Some random karaoke bar. One of the gas stations. A public restroom. I even checked baggage claim at the Crystal Crevice airport. Didn’t find a single one. I literally burned through every jockstrap trying.”
“Hmmm hmm hmm hm hmmm hmm hmm hm?”
“BECAUSE THAT FENTANYL WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE! I GET ALL MY ILLEGAL DRUGS FAIR AND SQUARE!”
“Hmm hm Hmmhmm hm Hmm?”
“The Savings and Loan? I have no idea. Sure as hell wasn’t me. Some copycat, maybe?”
“Hmm hm. Hm hmm hmm hm?”
“Well, I can tell you this much. If I was the John on that robbery case, I woulda been dialing M for Moron. I mean, who laughs like that?!”
THE END
What were you expecting? Literature?!
Chefs-d’œuvre de la chanson populaire des faux amis, n. 1
Anaïs Donne un GIF au Phoque (Anais Gives a GIF to the Seal)
Editor’s Note: A popular street song from the Paris suburbs, “Anaïs Donne un GIF au Phoque” uses call and response to lay out four trials faced by the song’s protagonist over the course of a single day and his same reaction to each of them. The meaning of the song’s cryptic response (“Anais gives a GIF to the seal!”) remains open to interpretation.
Ma belle m’a quitté pour un type!
Anaïs donne un GIF au phoque!
Mon chef se plaint de mon équipe!
Anaïs donne un GIF au phoque!
Pour ma fête tu me donnes la grippe?!
Anaïs donne un GIF au phoque!
Mon oncle veut me faire une pipe!
Anaïs donne un GIF au phoque!
Say What?! Results
| Player | Answered | Correct | Percent Correct | Spirit Character |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Calamata Arrivederci | 20 | 20 | 100% | Bravo, Calamata! Your spirit character is Missy. |
| Yuletide Carol | 10 | 7 | 70% | No spirit character for you, Carol! Try again. |
Your Mr. Funny Bones Library
Blind Allie: A Mr. Funny Bones Comitragedy
Dead on a Rival: The Case of the Crock-Pot Killer: A Mr. Funny Bones Mystery
Little Hope: A Minor Tragedy: A Mr. Funny Bones Long Short Story
Make Room 4 Joy: A Mr. Funny Bones Flash Fiction Challenge
Mr. Funny Bones 2021 Holiday Quiz
Mr. Funny Bones on the Attack!
Missy Impossible: A Mr. Funny Bones Thriller
Pandemonium: A Mr. Funny Bones Days of Our Past Lives COVID-19 Reunion
The Return of the Screwball: A Mr. Funny Bones Gothic Novelty (with AI Boost)
Other Titles
DOA: Table of Contents
Dead on a Rival: The Case of the Crock-Pot Killer: A Mr. Funny Bones Mystery
Cover – Prologue – Chapter 1 – Chapter 2 – Chapter 3 – Chapter 4 – Chapter 5 – Chapter 6 – Chapter 7 – Chapter 8 – Chapter 9 – Chapter 10 – Chapter 11 – Chapter 12 – Chapter 13 – Chapter 14 – Chapter 15 – Chapter 16 – Chapter 17 – Chapter 18 – Chapter 19 – Chapter 20 – Chapter 21 – Chapter 22 – Chapter 23 – Chapter 24 – Chapter 25 – Chapter 26 – Epilogue
Make Room 4 Joy: Never a Dull Moment at Arbor Ring Farm
Word Count: 123
Cumulative: 230
The Tuberson family farmhands had started picking potatoes after dusk to beat the arrival the next day of an unusually hot Indian summer. By four in the morning, Joy was standing in the middle of a field at Arbor Ring Farm trying to figure out what went wrong with the haulm topper and harvester.
Too many rocks near the surface? She wondered. Both pieces of machinery had failed in spectacular fashion. She knew better than to try to fix them in the dark. She’d wait until dawn.
A rooster crowed. The yawning mid-September sun rose golden over the fields, illuminating a wasteland of scraped and scattered glowing yellow bones—all that remained of a decimated family of skeletons violently aroused and dismembered overnight.
Am I Dead? Yes, Next Question
Mr. Funny Bones 2021 Holiday Quiz
How well do you know the Mr. Funny Bones canon? Take this quiz. You could win valueless prizes!
Pandemonium
Pandemonium: A Mr. Funny Bones Days of Our Past Lives COVID-19 Reunion, first appeared on Facebook on May 11, 2020.
“Pandemonium, the palace of Satan rises, suddenly built of the deep: the infernal peers there sit in council.” —John Milton, Paradise Lost
“But Brad, intubate what?! He has no organs!”
“Good gravy! Is it contagious?”
“We’re not sure yet if it’s gravy or if it’s contagious, Chief. We’re forensic scientists, not gourmet epidemiologists.”
Mr. Funny Bones 