“Good idea, Missy. Guess I’m answering the phone today.”
Missy Impossible, Chapter 7
Category: Missy Impossible
Missy Impossible, Chapter 6
“Mock-YEAH. Ing-YEAH. Bird-YEAH, Yeah-YEAH, Mockingbird now everybody have you heard? He’s gonna buy me a… Oh, good morning, sweetheart.”
“UGGGHH, MOTHER! Do you have to listen to HER so early in the morning? And what are you doing here? I thought you and dad were in Crystal Crevice for the rest of the week.”
“Now, Missy, every generation has its idols.”
“Yeah, but do you have to have yours right now?! In the kitchen?! I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee.”
“Oh, Missy, don’t be impossible! And, yes, we’re still in Crystal Crevice, or at least your father is right now. I had to come back for something but I’m going back down there this afternoon.”
“Come back for what, mother?”
“Oh, um, I had to come back and water my tulips. Yes, that was it. But I’m done now and will be heading back to Crystal Crevice this afternoon. Did I ever tell you I brought them back from Amsterdam? Your father says they’re garish, but I like them just the way they are.”
“You’ve told that story a MILLION times, mother. I’ll pick up some coffee at the Cagey Bee. I gotta get to the MISH. Coco’s waiting for me.”
“Okay, ta-ta, dear!”
“Ta.”
Missy Impossible, Chapter 5
“Next patient, please. Oh, hello, Beautiful. Have a seat in my new dental chair. Just had it installed.”
“Ha ha! Isn’t that a gas?! Now, instead of having to squeeze my nose every time a patient comes in, they can just sit on it. So, what are we doing today, pretending that you need dental work because your friend, Coco, and her new boyfriend, “Alejandro,” just so happened to choose our secret aliases as pet names? Thought so. Okay, now, don’t be scared. I’ve done this before. Show me your teeth.”
“Let me tell you something about that Alejandro, Beautiful. He was in to see me a short time ago because he’d taken a bat to his jaw and needed his teeth reset. Now, I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t heavily sedated, which I am, but he goes by many aliases, probably to avoid deportation. Anyway, Alejando, a.k.a. Rich, is really Sucio Rico, the brother of the lock-kneed pole dancer, Carina Celina Cristina Margarita Sabrina Mutante y Bailarina del Infierno. You might remember her. She used to work at Boners until they took away the lights for the Christmas tree.”
“Hmmhmm hmmhmmhmmhmmhmm?”
“What? Oh, patient confidentiality. I’m a clentist, not a dentist. I didn’t have to take an oath. Didn’t even go to dental school. Okay, now hold still. My hands aren’t as steady as they used to be.”
“HMMM!!!”
“Oh, you’re having pain?! I’m SO sorry. Let me tell you something about pain. PAIN is having someone else show up in your town with the exact same alias and trying to maintain your cover. If I blow it because of him, my afterlife as an operative is over. Kaput. Granted, Sucio Rico is a Spanish name, but it’s Dirty Rich in English. You want to know how I figured all this out? I kept getting all these boxes of jock straps addressed to him in the mail. Now, I ask you: What’s a clown dentist supposed to do with 20 boxes of jock straps?”
“Hm hmm’m hmmm.”
“Where are all my fentanyl shipments? That’s what I’d like to know.”
“Now, the reason I texted you earlier, I don’t hang around with that creepy Crystal Crevice crowd, so if you want to know why your parents are down there, take a look at the Crystal Crevice Crier website. They post an events calendar.”
“Hmhm. Hm hmmm hm hmmm.”
“And if I were you, I’d also take a look in your housekeeper’s purse.”
“Hmmmm hmm, Hmmhm Hmmm!”
“You’re welcome, Beautiful. They don’t call me Dirty Rich, Clown Dentist, for nothing.”
Sound effects obtained from https://www.zapsplat.com
Missy Impossible, Chapter 4
“Seriously, Coco? A bacon dress?”
“What?! Can’t a girl put some meat on her bones?”
“Uh, yeah, if you’re Sister Swine. Anyway, how did things go with Rich last night?”
“Pretty good. Turns out, his real name’s Alejandro. He thinks he won’t get deported back to Mexico or Cuba or wherever with a Germanic name. Anyway, he’s living with his sister until next season. I like him, but I’m not sure about the name thing.”
“Or about living with his sister. So, does he always wear that baseball uniform?”
“Well, yeah, Missy. That’s what he was buried in.”
“Oh, right. Hey, we need to find out what my parents are doing in Crystal Crevice.”
“Beautiful Dirty Rich…”
“Oh, Christ, hold on a sec… SKELEXA, STOP READING MY TEXTS!”
“Missy, care to tell me why Alejando’s texting you?”
“Huh? Oh, uh, that. Maybe later. Ooh, I just remembered I have a dentist appointment!”
“Oh, Missy, you’re not going to see that clown again, are you?! Your teeth are fine. You’re dead, remember? The bacteria that causes tooth decay died with you.”
“Thanks for that PSA, Coco. Meet me at the hotline tomorrow. We can talk then.”
“Sounds good. Hey, is that maid of yours burning breakfast again?”
“No, Coco. Your dress is on fire.”
Missy Impossible, Chapter 3
WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHUH WHUH, WHOOSH…
“WHAT, MISSY? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THESE HAIR DRYERS.”
WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHUH WHUH, WHOOSH…
“I SAID, ‘WHY DO THEY CALL THIS PLACE THE WRITER’S COLON?’”
WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHUH WHUH, WHOOSH…
“OH. BECAUSE THE SIGN PAINTER RAN OUT OF SPACE.”
“OH, YEAH. RIGHT.”
“Jesus, that was loud.”
Yeah. Glad that’s over.”
“A reading from the from book of Henry Gray, chapter 1, Osteology…”
“Uh oh. Don’t look now, Missy, but here come those androgynous Terranean burkini models, Inané and Insané.”
“Oh, Jesus. I wonder what they want.”
“Which one can’t pronounce their Rs? I keep forgetting.”
“Neither of them. They’re identical cousins.”
“In the construction of the human body, it would appear essential, in the first place…”
“Well, well, well. Look who’s in the Whitaw’s Colon, uh-hah-ha-ha.”
“Hello, Insané.”
“to provide some dense and solid texture capable of giving support and attachment to the softer parts of the frame…”
“Can you believe, Inané, aftaw all these yeahs, Missy still can’t tell us apawt? So twagic! I’m Inané, Missy, not Insané.”
“Noted.”
“Too bad you ladies will be wooking at the hotline this weekend. You’ll miss the pawty down in Quistal Quevice.”
“…and at the same time to protect in closed cavities the more important vital organs…”
“What pawt… I mean, party?”
“The Gays of Hawmuz awe holding a fundwaysaw and pweemewing a new film. Evweebody will be thaw. Except for you, appawently. Uh-hah-ha-ha.”
“…and such a structure we find provided in the various bones…”
“Pssst, Missy, aren’t your parents in Crystal Crevice?”
“Shhh! Yes.”
“Well, ladies, we’d love to stay and shoot the bweeze, but we have to get a twim and a blow dwy foh the pawty. If foh some weason the hotline blows up, the pawty is at the weesawt on Quistaw Quevice Queek. Enjoy the west of the weeding.”
“…which form what is called the Skeleton.”
“So glad that’s over!”
“Tell me about it. I think one of them left a rainbow streak.”
“AMEN!”
“Hey Beautiful.”
“Oh, hi Rich. Rich, this is my friend, Missy.”
“Hey Missy.”
Missy Impossible, Chapter 2
“So, what’s up with all the trash all over the floor? I thought you said you had a new housekeeper.”
“We do, but all she does are counters and things she can reach without bending her knees. She says it’s because of her patellar aplasia. As if that’s a real thing.”
“Um hum. And your mom’s okay with it?”
“Oh, yeah, she hired her because of it. She’s her latest charity.”
“Pitiful, just like that Mother Monster police tape you’re tangled up in like in that last video. Hold on a sec…”
“Hello? Oh, hi Dirt… I mean, Rich. This Saturday? Sure, sounds like fun. I know where it is. See you then. Bye.”
“Who was that?”
“Oh, that was Rich. He wanted to know if I was interested in going to the Writer’s Colon later. They’re putting on a marathon dramatic reading of Gray’s Anatomy.”
“Rich the CSI guy from Dead on a Rival: The Case of the Crock-Pot Killer?”
“No, a new guy. I like Rich the CSI guy, but he’s kinda stiff.”
“Yeah, and in all the right places.”
“What’d you just say, Missy?!”
“What?”
“You know exactly what. Anyway, I think it’s a predate! Hey, why don’t you come with me? We can go early, and then I’ll just chat with him for a bit, and then we can leave.”
“Sure.”
“Great. So, check this out. My Zombie Zumba instructor wants us to learn this routine. Wanna practice it with me?”
“Sure. Help me out of this tape first.”
“On second thought, give me back the police tape… Hey, that corpse’s hot!”
“Don’t I know it! I wish I could reggaeton pump like that. I don’t have the abs for it.”
“Ooh! Spread the jam!”
“What?!”
“What?”
Missy Impossible, Chapter 1
“Missing Skeletons Hotline. How may I direct your call?”
“Missy, it’s your mother.”
“Oh… Hi Nurse Janet. It’s Coco.”
“Oh, goodness me! Hi Coco. You’d think after eighteen years I’d recognize my own daughter’s voice. How are you, dear?”
“I’m fine, Nurse Janet. Missy’s right here. Hold on.”
“Hello.”
“Missy, it’s your mother. Listen, darling. Your father and I are going down to Crystal Crevice for the rest of the week. There’s some leftover creamy chipped beef and cheese in the fridge that you can heat up for dinner after work, okay?”
“Gross! That stuff tastes like dog shit.”
“Now, Missy, don’t be impossible! I know it does, but your father likes it. Just swallow it down with some strong coffee like I do. Anyway, we’ll call you when we get there.”
“Alright, mother. Gotta get back to work.”
“Okay, dear. Ta-ta.”
“Ta.”
“Hey, so do you want to stay over at my house and watch a movie or something? My parents are going out of town. Ugh. Wait a minute.”
“Missing Skeletons Hotline. How may I direct your call?”
“Hi Coco. It’s Missy’s mother again. Can you put her back on the line?”
“It’s me, mother.”
“Oh, hi dear. I forgot to tell you to pick up your room after dinner. The new housekeeper’s coming tomorrow morning.”
“Fine.”
“Ta-ta.”
“Get a load of this. I have to pick up my room before the new housekeeper comes. Isn’t that what she’s supposed to do?”
“For real.”
“Anyway… Oh, Jesus. Hold on…”
“WHAT IS IT NOW, MOTHER?!! Oh, sorry, sir. Missing Skeletons Hotline. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Have you looked in the closets? Call us back if you still can’t find her. Bye. Anyway, Coco… JESUS!!! STOP BLOWIN’ UP MY PHONE!!! Missing Skeletons Hotline. How may I direct your call? Check your closets first and call us back if you still can’t find her.”
“Missy, you didn’t just unplug that switchboard, did you?”
“Oh yes, I did. They’ll call again if it’s urgent. Oh my God I LOVE this song! You be Beyoncé and I’ll be Gagaloo.”
“You’re only assigning me Beyoncé because you recognize we’re both women of substance, right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Thought so.”
Missy Impossible, Cover and Poker Face
Copyright (c) 2019 Martin Perschler. All rights reserved.
Missy Impossible, Prolegomenon (Dead on a Rival, Chapter 4)
“Missing Skeletons Hotline. How may I direct your call?”
“Chief Birdygo Chip here.”
“I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?”
“Birdygo Chip.”
“Birdygo Cheap?”
“No. Birdygo CHIP CHIP. I’m calling to find out if anyone’s reported a missing skeleton with two left feet.”
“One moment, please.”
“Missing Skeletons Hotline. Reports Department. How may I help you?”
“Weren’t we just talking a moment ago?”
“Yes. How may I help you?”
“Um, I’m calling to find out if anyone’s reported a missing skeleton with two left feet.”
“One moment, please.”
“Oh, good grief.”
“I’m still on the line, sir.”
“Oh. Sorry about that.”
“We don’t have any reports of missing skeletons fitting that description.”
“Missy, is that you?”
“Hi Birdy! Yeah, it’s me.”
“I didn’t know you were working at the hotline!”
“Yeah. My mom and dad told me I had to get a job.”
“I hope it wasn’t because of your public display of pubic symphysis last year.”
“No. It’s because I turned eighteen.”
“Oh. Got it. Any suggestions for me on this case?”
“Have you tried Boners?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“The restaurant and night club in the red-light district.”
“Oh. No, I haven’t. Is the food any good?”
“I don’t know about the food, but I’ve heard that the Boners Girls are really bad dancers. Maybe one of them’s gone missing.”
“Okay. Thanks, kid.”
“Anytime!”
“Jesus, Missy, who was that?!”
“That bonehead of a police chief calling about a leg and a foot found in a crock-pot of creamy chipped beef and cheese. I sent him off to Boners. That should keep him busy for a while.”
“So, everything’s going according to plan?”
“So far, yes, Coco. The last thing I need is for that idiot to screw things up. I’ve been cultivating those Terranean arms dealers since Nowruz.”
Mr. Funny Bones 