“Sir, I’ve found a number of chipped beef recipes, including this one for crock-pot creamy chipped beef with cheese.”
“How curious!”
“You mean how it calls for ground instead of chipped beef, sir?”
“Yes. That, and how it uses cheese. Neither belongs in chipped beef. Anyway, do you remember what the setting was on the crock-pot when we were there?”
“I think it was set on High, sir, though it didn’t seem hot to me at all. Why?”
“I’m not entirely sure, kid. But hold onto that recipe. It might come in handy later.”
“You mean for the Policeman’s Ball, sir?”
“Possibly, and for clues that could help us with this case!”
No dancing allowed in the Thespian Lounge of Days of Our Past Lives
“Sorry to bother you all while you’re filming, Nurse Janet, but I’m looking for someone with two left feet who might have gone missing recently. Any chance you or another cast member might know someone fitting that description?”
“So nice to see you, Birdy, and no bother at all. We don’t have any dancers here on Days, least of all bad ones. Only us thespians. The last time we had any hoofers on the set, we had to replace half the furniture and some of the scenery afterwards. They crashed into and broke so many things, including Red Glassman who was filming Ornament of Champions next door.”
“I see.”
“Have you tried Boners? The pole dancers there are ghastly, apparently. Especially that one with the locked knees. What’s her name? Mutant Ballerina from Hell or something like that? They say she lives up to her name.”
“As does Amazing Grace.”
“I’m sorry. What was that, Birdy? They’re calling us back on the set.”
“Oh, nothing. Thank you for your time.”
“Anytime. Ta-ta.”
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Ornament of Champions – Maybe returning later this fall – Still in negotiations
“Yes, officer, that’s right. Carina Celina Cristina Margarita Sabrina Mutante y Bailarina del Infierno. But most people call me Chica Mutante. Grace—she’s the one on the pole right now—she’s AMAZING. She and I are the only Boners Girls left. The pedos viejos who used to stop in on their way home from the office, they’re mostly gone. A dying breed. It’s almost all direct-to-video or live streaming now.”
Chica Mutante (foreground) and Amazing Grace (on the paper towel stand) are the only dancers left at Boners.
“I’ll keep that in mind, Chica. Anyone with two left feet in the area you might have seen on a regular basis but haven’t recently?”
“Not that I can think of. Other than the pole here, these legs don’t get around very much. My patellar aplasia makes sure of that. Have you checked in with the cast of Days of Our Past Lives? If their acting’s any indication, their dancing’s probably pretty awful.”
“Thanks, Chica. I’ll check in with them. I hope business improves.”
“So do I. Even if it does, though, it’s still lights out for us this Christmas.”
“Why’s that?”
“They’ll need them for the tree.”
Chica Mutante’s patellar aplasia prevents her from bending her knees, limiting what she can do with her legs.
We’d like to thank the following non-paying advertiser for not sponsoring this chapter:
“Sir, I have a confession to make. While you were busy with the CSI guy, I… Well, let’s just say a friend told me it tastes like chipped beef.”
“Great detective work, kid! Canvas the area for cookbooks, magazines, and recipe boxes. Find out if any of them has a chipped beef recipe. In the meantime, I’ll check with Missing Skeletons to see if anyone is looking for anyone with two left feet.”
“Yes, sir! Do you think the recipes will tell us anything?”
“Possibly. And I need a covered dish idea for the Policeman’s Ball.”
“On the surface, one lateral femur with abrasions and indentations, tibia and fibula, tarsus, metatarsus, and phalanges, intact. Mostly on the surface, one lateral tarsus, metatarsus, and phalanges, not intact. Underneath, oobleck.”
“Translation, please, if you don’t mind.”
“Certainly, Chief. So far, we’ve got one intact left foot and leg and the bones of another left foot. All of them resting on or partially submerged in either a creamy, non-Newtonian semi-solid or a non-Newtonian semi-liquid with chunks. Also a sprinkling of shredded cheese along the edges. We’ve called in a forensic archaeologist to excavate for more remains.”
“Good gravy!”
“We’re not sure yet if it’s gravy, Chief. We’re forensic scientists, not gourmets. We’ll take some back to the lab for analysis, along with the other evidence, and let the science tell us what it is.”
Mr. Funny Bones 