Origin Stories: Brad the Surgeon

There once was a surgeon named Brad,
a harsh spouse and impossible dad.
His wife, to get even,
laced chipped beef with cheese in.
T’was the last dish that he ever had!

Appearing in early September 2017 in the retronymic Instagram series, Days of Our Past Lives (2017-2018)—first with Rosemary, then with a mushroom, then a carrot, and then a goose—Brad the Surgeon is Nurse Janet’s husband, Missy the Prom Queen’s father, Mother Chip’s son, and the only character in the Mr. Funny Bones pantheon who likes crock pot creamy chipped beef and cheese made with ground beef. He plays walk-on roles in Dead on a Rival: The Case of the Crock-Pot Killer (2018; chapter 16) and Pandemonium: A Mr. Funny Bones Days of Our Past Lives COVID-19 Reunion (2020). Brad is one of several characters named in Little Hope: A Minor Tragedy: A Mr. Funny Bones Long Short Story (2019).

Make Room 4 Joy AI: An Epic Poem

Missy’s clique, morbidly skinny in line,
Against the front door, their barrier defined.
Joy, with curves, her beauty refined,
Resented by skeletons, faces maligned.

No match for Joy Tuberson, roots deep,
In the small farming community, secrets to keep.
“Love the tiara,” Joy quips with a sweep,
Triumphant, she crosses, destiny to reap.

“Thanks, Joy,” Missy responds with grace,
Curves and confidence, Joy’s winning embrace.
Threshold crossed, with a radiant face,
Anthocyanin rush, a vibrant trace.

In epic battle, the root vegetable stands,
Against an army of skeletons, life demands.
Another day triumphs, in her hands,
Joy Tuberson, in her vibrant lands.
 
Farmhands toil as dusk begins to fade,
Potatoes picked, the hot summer delayed.
Joy, at Arbor Ring, in the field dismayed,
Machinery failed, a problem cascaded.

Haulm topper, harvester, both in despair,
What went wrong? Joy breathes the morning air.
Rocks near the surface, a possible snare?
In the dark, no fixes, dawn to declare.

The rooster crows, mid-September’s yawn,
Golden sun rises, a new day is drawn.
A wasteland below, where bones are drawn,
A family of skeletons, violently gone.

Decimated remains, scattered and bright,
Glowing yellow bones, a grim morning light.
Aroused and dismembered, a horrific sight,
Joy ponders the scene, with morning in sight.
 
Arrived at the tent, the Blue Ribbon she had won,
Best organic potato, county fair fun.
Judges appointed, goodwill they’d begun,
Skeleton minority, solving mysteries undone.

Green foliage luscious, blue-violet bloom,
Berries well-shaped, a sight to consume.
Balanced starchiness, texture’s sweet tune,
Silky skin, gastronomic praise, in the room.

Judges giddy, with anticipation wide,
Horticultural mystery, the prize plant guide.
Tuber’s excellence, in their minds reside,
Creamy, dense texture, perfection implied.

On the craniums’ question, Joy deflects,
A secret ingredient, her answer reflects.
Fertilized with bone meal, a scandalous effect,
In that tent, a mystery the fair connects.
 
Joy and mature spuds, eyes wide with surprise,
New potatoes, skinless, frolicked in wild guise.
Between barn and yard, their actions unwise,
Youthful, destructive, farm’s bottom line defies.

Arbor Ring’s poletons, in skeletons they bask,
Rejecting their skin, in a rebellious task.
Mutilating flesh, a scandalous masque,
Unmarketable, their state, a daunting ask.

In the barn’s corner, Joy’s shocking find,
A potato rumbler, banned by the kind.
Scores of syringes, iodine-defined,
Her suspicions aroused, secrets to unwind.
 
Joy crunched numbers with care,
Potato weight, eight ounces, she’d declare.
Arbor Ring farms, with spuds to spare,
85,500 per acre, in the air.

Skeletons weigh, on average, twenty-six pounds,
1,000 corpses per acre, burial mounds.
Outnumbered by potatoes, the fact confounds,
85 to one, in community bounds.

Invitation’s call, they all appeared,
No clue who invited, mystery revered.

Scab and Rhizo, in attendance they stood,
Scurf twins, Black and Silver, both understood.
Fusarium Dry Rot and Pink, colors so good,
Early and Late Blight, on time as they could.
 
Joy online shopped for osteoclasts, a daring quest,
A longshot hope, precursor cells on skeletons to invest.
Sound asleep, the release might manifest,
Trigger resorption, decay, a tumultuous test.

In her cart, 50 million, a bold move made,
No new bone, decay’s acceleration laid.
Years of dismay, farmland in the shade,
Developers avaricious, sacredness betrayed.

Cemeteries not spared, on desirable land they encroach,
Urban sprawl, impacting potato and skeleton approach.
Rural community, fate they reproach,
Competing for destinies, on plots they encroach.

Arbor Ring Farm, recent events unfold,
Rumors of diseases, secrets to be told.
Tensions rising, co-existence bold,
Biological warfare, a future to hold.

Prepared, Joy stands against the brewing storm,
Infectious diseases, a potential swarm.
Tensions surface, peaceful co-existence transforms,
In the land of potatoes and skeletons, a new norm.
 
Mother Chip paraded her gallery of fame,
Skelekin immortalized, each with a name.
Chief Birdygo, Rich the CSI in the game,
Nurse Janet, Brad the Surgeon, with acclaim.

Pirate, Cruz, Coco, Amazing Grace,
Chica Mutante and brother, in a shared space.
Terranean burkini models, Inané and Insané’s embrace,
Bin 206 guys, Dirty Rich, the clown in case.

Missy, the granddaughter, in the narrative,
Butterscotch, the favorite, in the perspective.
Potatoes and skeletons, from a nearby village,
On the brink, in mutual assured damage.

Mother Chip tittered, a sinister glee,
Allie, the mermaid, out of the family.
Manipulating Joy with the clown’s decree,
Potato head, carrying out the plan to foresee.

Urban encroachment, a massacre’s tension,
Arbor Ring Farm, the community’s apprehension.
Mother sowed division with subtle intention,
Enlisting Joy, her stooge, for intervention.

The potato rumbler, distrust it invoked,
Mother’s idea, in the community it poked.
Not-so-secret meeting, alarms provoked,
Potato diseases, a threat evoked.

Missy, rebellious, ignoring advice,
Fooling around with spuds, her vice.
Pubic symphysis secrets, a dangerous device,
Mother Chip’s discovery, a plot precise.

“A Potato Chip in the family?” Mother queried,
Missy’s deception, the truth uncovered.
Over her dead body, she’d not be hurried,
Ramifications, a sentiment shuddered.

The Return of the Screwball: XIII

XIII

Dirty Rich the Clown Dentist debuted in Chapter 5 of Missy Impossible: A Mr. Funny Bones Thriller.
Listen to Dirty Rich the Clown Dentist’s waiting room audio loop. Audio: ZapSplat

“Next patient. Oh, hello. Have a seat in my new dental chair. Just had it installed.”

Have a seat in Dirty Rich the Clown Dentist’s dental chair. Audio: ZapSplat

“HA! Gets ’em every time! Chair’s not even new! So, what can I do you for? Take care of that huge underbite? You could put books on that shelf! Um, you know that, right? Now, open wide.”

“Hmm hmmhm hmm hmmhmhmm hmm hmhm hmm. Hmm hm hmmhmm?”

“Oh, Jesus. Who sent you here? Was it that ROTTEN LITTLE CARCASS Missy?! Lemme turn up the compressor. I’m gonna need more gas for this conversation.”

Dirty Rich the Clown Dentist fires up the air compressor to deliver more laughing gas. Audio: Sound Ex Machina via ZapSplat

“Alright. Where to start? So, two years ago, this kid – some baseball rookie, the dead brother of an equally dead lock-kneed pole dancer in town people call Chica Mutante – stops in to have his teeth reset because he took a bat to the jaw.”

Dirty Rich the Clown Dentist cleans the narrator’s teeth before addressing the jaw. Audio: ZapSplat

“It just so happened his name in Spanish was the same as mine in English, so not long after the appointment I start getting his mail. I figured it was because he was on the run from the law and didn’t want to leave a trail, so he had it all sent to my address.”

“Hmm hmm hm hmhmm hmm?”

“I know. Crazy, right? Anyway, these packages start showing up every couple days or so, and the next thing I know, I’m staring at 20 boxes of jockstraps in my waiting room.”

“Hmmm hmmhm.”

“I know, right?! This skeleton’s got no athletic to support! So, on one of my slower days I decide to try one on.”

“Hmm hmm hmmhm hm?”

“Yeah, well, not everybody’s rushing to see a clown dentist. Anyway, I strap one on, and the next thing I know, I’m standing in the middle of the gluten-free aisle at Skully’s supermarket.”

“Hmmm! Hm hmm hmm.”

“I know, right?! I mean, I don’t have celiac disease. I don’t even have intestines.”

Dirty Rich the Clown Dentist drills into the narrator’s jaw. Audio: ZapSplat

“So, it took me a while to figure out what was going on because I was still a bit woozy from the gas. But there I am at Skully’s in the middle of gluten-free and – now, here’s the best part – I’m dressed in a scarlet silk cheongsam.”

“Hmm hmm hm hm?”

“Well, turns out, I didn’t have to do anything because the next thing I know, I’m back in my waiting room. No cheongsam, no jock. I grab my phone to check the date and time, thinking I had just come back from some extended gas-powered psychedelic trip, and what pops up? An alert about some dead ladyboy in a bright red dress who appeared from outa nowhere at Skully’s and then disappeared, leaving behind a smoldering jockstrap.”

“Hmm. Hm hmm hmmm hmm hmm hmm?”

“The first thing I did after taking a huge hit of the nitrous was look again at those boxes. You know what they said? Made in China. Just like that spy satellite rocket that caught fire and broke apart over Texas. Now, I ask you: Coincidence?”

“Hmm. Hmmm hm hmm hm hmmm hm hm hmm hm hmmm hm?”

“Trial and error, basically. After about four or five, I figured out how to work those magic jocks, costumes and all. I couldn’t do anything about them detaching and bursting into flames, though. I needed that for re-entry.”

“Hmm hmm hmmm hmm hm?”

“His real name was Sucio Rico, but he went by Alejandro. No idea what he was planning on doing with them. Smuggle illegals across the border, maybe? I can’t imagine strapping any of those jocks on women or children. They were all extra large.”

“Hmmm hmm hmm hm hmm hmm hmmmm hmm?”

“Hadn’t thought about that. I suppose you could carry one or two under each arm. That’s what I was planning on doing with my missing fentanyl shipments once I tracked them down in that SHITHOLE OF A SHAMLET Crystal Crevice.”

Dirty Rich the Clown Dentist suctions out the dust from the narrator’s mouth. Audio: ZapSplat

“I looked everywhere for those damn shipments. The library. A private club. A church. Somebody’s yacht. A yarn shop. Liquor store. A laundromat. Bakery. A nursing home. Some random karaoke bar. One of the gas stations. A public restroom. I even checked baggage claim at the Crystal Crevice airport. Didn’t find a single one. I literally burned through every jockstrap trying.”

“Hmmm hmm hmm hm hmmm hmm hmm hm?”

“BECAUSE THAT FENTANYL WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE! I GET ALL MY ILLEGAL DRUGS FAIR AND SQUARE!”

“Hmm hm Hmmhmm hm Hmm?”

“The Savings and Loan? I have no idea. Sure as hell wasn’t me. Some copycat, maybe?”

“Hmm hm. Hm hmm hmm hm?”

“Well, I can tell you this much. If I was the John on that robbery case, I woulda been dialing M for Moron. I mean, who laughs like that?!”

The spectral apparition that robbed the Savings and Loan in Chapter XI had a distinctive laugh. Audio: ZapSplat

THE END

What were you expecting? Literature?!

The Return of the Screwball: XII

XII

[AI Boost ON]

The experience of observing, yet remaining powerless to avert, the robbery audacieux at the Savings and Loan had taken its toll on the venerable chief. In that fateful moment, as he stood amidst the chaos, lawlessness, and yet another reste spectral fumant curieux, a profound reckoning occurred within him. He resolved, there and then, that he could no longer bear the weight of his badge, nor the responsibilities it entailed. Retirement beckoned as the sole refuge from a career that had seemingly been defined by this grim tableau. And thus, with a heavy rib cage and a weary soul, he chose to bid adieu to his life in law enforcement.

As the sad tale of the chief’s departure from the force and retreat into the cravasse concluded my interview, I found myself wandering aimlessly through the hamlet’s winding streets. That place, the hamlet of my rêveries, exuded an air of timelessness, where the rhythm of existence appeared to unfold at its own unhurried pace.

[AI Boost OFF]

“Oh my God, Missy. Don’t look now, but here comes that Henry James wannabe verbalizer from The Writer’s Colon the other night.”

“Oh, Jesus. You mean that bloviating AI-dependent franco-phony narcissist who recited the lyrics from Thriller? I’ll handle him, Coco. Just recline regally upon that tuffet over there. I’ll sit on this worn but elegant bench sous l’arbre. Maybe he won’t see us.”

[AI Boost ON]

Amidst her quaint, cobblestone lanes, serendipity guided my steps to an unanticipated yet charmant encounter. There, beneath the dappled shade of a venerable oak tree, I happened upon Missy and Coco, the two denizens of The Writer’s Colon on whom I had once earnestly eavesdropped and whom I had re-encountered less than a fortnight ago.

Missy, undoubtedly a dead prom queen of undoubted grace, her manner in mine eyes poised and her gaze both probing and gentle despite her vacant eye sockets, sat upon a worn but elegant bench. Beside her, Coco, her seemingly ever-faithful companion, a feline of élégance exquise, reclined regally upon a tuffet. Theirs was a bond, it was said, forged in the crucible of the MISH, where words and inspirations flowed freely like a languid river.

In that instant, our worlds once again converged, and it was here, amidst the poetic embrasse of this paradisiacal place, that the story continued to unfurl.

[AI Boost OFF]

WRITER’S NOTE: Spotted by our narrator, Missy gets up and walks towards him. After a brief exchange, she returns to the worn but elegant bench under the venerable oak tree. Coco, still reclining regally upon her tuffet, inquires about the encounter. END NOTE.

“What’d you say to him, Missy?”

“I told him where to go if he wants to know the backstory. Dork First Class, that one. Who let him into the Mr. Funny Bones canon anyway?”

The Return of the Screwball: XI

XI

[AI Boost ON]

In the ethereal hours of midnight following the day of the spectral appearance in baggage claim, a spectral apparition heretofore unseen and unheard materialized within the hallowed confines of Crystal Crevice’s venerable Savings and Loan. Its spectral countenance bore an eerie luminescence that flickered in the darkness, casting an otherworldly pallor upon the Savings and Loan’s polished mahogany counters, gilded teller stations, [AI Boost OFF] and humming ATMs. [AI Boost ON] The ghostly figure, veiled in a diaphanous shroud of bygone élégance, seemed to defy the very laws of gravity and corporeal existence.

The heretofore unseen and unheard spectral apparition laughed as it materialized at the Savings and Loan. Audio: ZapSplat

A man of stern countenance and unflinching resolve, albeit a bit perplexed at that moment, Chief Birdygo Chip rushed posthaste to confront this supernatural intrusion upon the realm of mortal affairs. With the crevasse‘s constabulary arrayed behind him, he valiantly endeavored to thwart the apparition’s unholy designs. Yet, to his bewilderment and chagrin, his earthly efforts were rendered utterly impotent in the face of the ghost’s eldritch machinations.

It was clear to most everybody that the ghost was robbing the Savings and Loan. Photo: Wonder AI

As the ghostly presence glided with spectral impunity through the vaults and chambers of the Savings and Loan, it wielded an unearthly power over both guards and locks, emptying the Crannies’ safe deposit boxes of their hard-earned earthly treasures and leaving the chief’s attempts to protect the institution in a state of abject futility. The ineffable mystère of the apparition’s intent remained shrouded in the enigma of the night [AI Boost OFF] – though it was clear to most everybody that the ghost was robbing the place –[AI Boost ON] leaving the police chief, like a character from one of my own intricate tales, to ponder [AI Boost OFF] both the limits of human comprehension and his future as an officer in the glowing presence of a spectral remnant fumant curieux.

The Return of the Screwball: X

X

[AI Boost ON]

You know, it’s funny how things can take a strange turn. Just when I thought I had seen it all, this case took a bizarre twist. [AI Boost OFF] Along with a thirteenth ghost’s appearance at baggage claim of all places, there was something else that had everyone scratching their crania—all those smoldering jockstraps.

This flaming jockstrap was left in an apparition’s spectral wake. Photo: Wonder AI

Yup, you heard me right. Those so-called curious smoldering spectral remnants? They were flaming groin protectors. After every ghostly appearance, one would be left behind, as if some kind of spectral calling card. I couldn’t make skulls or coccyges of them.

I mean, what could it possibly mean? [AI Boost ON] Were those fiery straps a message from the other side? A sign of some unfinished business? A bizarre sense of humor from beyond the grave? [AI Boost OFF] It was a real skull-scratcher, I’ll tell ya. And insulting. What’s a skeleton gonna do with a jockstrap anyway? Add hefty definition to our junk and make our butts and thighs look firmer and more defined?

[AI Boost ON]

So now, not only did I have to figure out why these ghosts were showing up, but I had to unravel the mystery of the hot jocks as well. It was like trying to solve two riddles at once, and I had a feeling they were somehow connected.

But I wasn’t about to let [AI Boost OFF] a baker’s dozen of burning cups [AI Boost ON] scare me off the case. No, sir. I was determined to get to the bottom of this ghostly conundrum, jockstraps and all. After all, in my line of work, you learn to expect the unexpected, and this case was turning out to be one for the books.

[AI Boost OFF]

The Return of the Screwball: IX

IX

[AI Boost ON]

The remarkable events that transpired on those fateful evenings in Crystal Crevice were of such a singular nature that they not only arrested the attention of the local populace but also captured the imagination of the entire nation. The chronicle of those nights, wherein two apparitions made their spectral debut, and the smoldering spectral remnants that trailed in their ephemeral wake, would find its place in the annals of the inexplicable.

Reporters and curious onlookers swarmed the scene, attempting to capture the enigmatic spectacle with their crude instruments of documentation. Speculation ran rampant, as Crannies engaged in fervent debate about the origin and purpose of these otherworldly visitations. Had the spirits returned from the great beyond to impart some arcane wisdom, or were they merely phantoms trapped in a limbo éternel, doomed to wander the mortal realm?

The national news outlets seized upon this spectral phenomenon, disseminating the strange tale far and wide, captivating the imaginations of a nation yearning for a glimpse of the inexplicable. Crystal Crevice, once a quiet and unassuming enclave, had suddenly become the epicenter of a supernatural enigma, a testament to the mysteries that lurk at the fringes of our understanding.

In the days that followed, the spectral visitors would continue to haunt the hamlet, their presence an enduring mystery that defied explanation. [AI Boost OFF] One appeared in a church. Another on a yacht. Next a yarn shop. Then a liquor store. A laundromat. A bakery. Nursing home. Karaoke bar. Gas station. Public restroom. Baggage claim at the airport. Curious smoldering spectral remnants [AI Boost ON] remained an enigmatic accompaniment to these apparitions, leaving indelible marks on floors and the collective consciousness of the nation, forever entwined in the tapestry of the inexplicable.

A spectral visitor appeared in baggage claim at Crystal Crevice International Airport. Photo: Wonder AI

[AI Boost OFF]

The Return of the Screwball: VIII

VIII

[AI Boost ON]

In the wake of the initial apparition that had terrorized the Crannies during the turbulent weekend of demonstrations, an even more disconcerting event unfolded a day later, sending tremors through the hallowed halls of Crystal Crevice’s exclusive gentleskeleten’s club. It was as if the restless spirit, having left its spectral remnant in the tranquil sanctuary of the hamlet’s library, had not yet sated its inscrutable thirst for manifestation.

The club, a bastion of dead privilege and discretion, had always been a haven of repose for its distinguished members, a refuge from the turmoil that had assailed the hamlet’s streets. On this somber evening, however, the aura of erudite camaraderie was shattered by the intrusion of a second apparition so grotesque and unsettling that it struck terror into the [AI Boost OFF] thoracic cavity [AI Boost ON] of even the most resolute gentleskeleton.

In the corner of the room stood the grotesque figure of a ghost. Feeble glow of a sputtering gas lamp not included, but the eye holes are totally misaligned. Photo: Wonder AI

As the clock’s pendulum swung in the dimly lit parlor [AI Boost OFF] – not the big clock on the wall which had no pendulum, but the one in the corner – [AI Boost ON] casting eerie shadows upon the wall, an unearthly chill descended upon the gathering. A collective gasp escaped the [AI Boost OFF] alveolar ridges [AI Boost ON] of the esteemed members, for there, in the corner of the room, bathed in the feeble glow of a sputtering gas lamp, stood the grotesque figure of a ghost.

Clad in anachronistic attire that bespoke a bygone era, the specter bore the same mournful visage as before, its features etched with a mélange tragique of sorrow and malevolence. It surveyed the assembly with [AI Boost OFF] misaligned spectral eye holes [AI Boost ON] that seemed to pierce the very souls of those who met its gaze, freezing them in a tableau of dread.

The spectral wrath laughed as it surveyed the assembly. Audio: ZapSplat

Whispers of disbelief and fear rustled through the chamber, a cacophony of voices hushed by the presence of the uncanny. In this bastion of dead privilege, where decorum reigned supreme, the intrusion of the supernatural was an affront to the very order of the world.

Speculation ran rife among the gentleskeleten, their once-secure convictions shaken to the core. Was this ghastly apparition an omen of societal decay, a manifestation of the unrest that had plagued the town? Or did it bear witness to forgotten sins and concealed transgressions, seeking to expose secrets long buried? [AI Boost OFF] And what of the smoldering spectral remnant that remained? What detestably vile destiny for the Crannies of Crystal Crevice did that portend? [AI Boost ON]

The night wore on, shrouded in a pall of uncertainty, as the gentleskeleten grappled with the enigma before them. The second appearance of a horrific ghost had thrust the exclusive club into a realm of the inexplicable, and its members found themselves ensnared in a labyrinthine mystère that defied rational explanation.

In the tradition of the most perplexing tales, the specter’s visitation in the gentleskeleten’s club left an indelible mark upon the privileged few who had borne witness to its haunting. It was a chilling reminder that even in the most rarefied of settings, the boundaries between the known and the unknown could be shattered, leaving the realm of reason and order in disarray.

[AI Boost OFF]