“What do you mean I’m dating her brother?”

“Coco a.k.a. Beautiful, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Alejandro a.k.a. Rich a.k.a. Dirty Rich–and don’t think I didn’t notice–a.k.a. Sucio Rico is Carina Celina Cristina Margarita Sabrina Mutante y Bailarina del Infierno a.k.a. Chica Mutante a.k.a. my mother’s lock-kneed pole-dancing housekeeper’s brother.”

“Yeah, Missy a.k.a. Beautiful, that’s what you said in the last chapter. And that clown dentist you insist on seeing goes by the alias Dirty Rich. What’s your point?”

“My point is this. We have to figure out why Chica Mutante is working under cover in my house and why my parents are down in Crystal Crevice during the off season.”

“And why your mother came back to water wooden tulips.”

“Right. Take a look at this. I got it off the Crystal Crevice Crier website.”

“Well, we knew from the androgynous Terranean burkini models, Inané and Insané, that the Gays of Hormuz were going to be down there this weekend. They told us that in the Writer’s Colon during the dramatic reading of Gray’s Anatomy. Remember? Chapter 3.“

“Do I?! Those hair dryers were loud! Speaking of, we need to get out of here ASAP because he’s about to put in a load of laundry.”

“Too late. Hold on. We’re going for a spin.”

“Okay. So what should we do? What should I do?”

“RENT US SOME DOMESTIC UNI [inaudible].”

“Good idea, Missy. Guess I’m answering the phone today.”

“Come in, Coco. The door’s around back. It’s bigger on the inside than it looks.”

“You’re right, Missy. It’s very spacious. Hey, did you get a new purse?”

“No, it’s the housekeeper’s. I meant to search through it this morning, but my mother’s back from Crystal Crevice for some insane reason, and I needed to get out of that house.”

“Did you ask her why she was home?”

“She said she had to come back to water her damn tulips.”

“Missy, those tulips are made out of wood. They don’t need water. I worry about you sometimes, girl.”

“Let’s get back to that later, Coco. Take a look in the purse.”

“At what? The gum wrappers? You chewed through all the bubble gum, didn’t you? You don’t know where this purse’s been.”

“Not the gum wrappers.”

“Then what, the expired Boners employee discount card?”

“That, plus the business card. Look familiar?”

Madame de Boneville’s Ecole Supérieure de l’Espionnage for Girls – The MERCI Method

• Money: You can earn a lot of it!
• Ego: Spying makes you feel good!
• Revenge: Get back at your enemies!
• Coercion: Force them to do what you want!
• Ideology: Because you are right!

“Hmmm. That’s Madame Françoise’s card. Missy, do you think…”

“Do I think that my mother’s housekeeper’s one of us? I think so, Coco. Take a look at that discount card.”

“The name’s so long, Missy, it runs off the side, but somebody wrote ‘Chica Mutante’ across the top.”

“That card belongs to Carina Celina Cristina Margarita Sabrina Mutante y Bailarina del Infierno, a.k.a. Chica Mutante, the lock-kneed pole dancer who used to work at Boners.”

“You mean to tell me, Missy, that Chica’s your mother’s housekeeper? That would explain all the trash on the floor.”

“That’s right, Coco. And guess what? You’re dating her brother.”

“Good idea, Missy. Guess I’m answering the phone today.”

“Mock-YEAH. Ing-YEAH. Bird-YEAH, Yeah-YEAH, Mockingbird now everybody have you heard? He’s gonna buy me a… Oh, good morning, sweetheart.”

“UGGGHH, MOTHER! Do you have to listen to HER so early in the morning? And what are you doing here? I thought you and dad were in Crystal Crevice for the rest of the week.”

“Now, Missy, every generation has its idols.”

“Yeah, but do you have to have yours right now?! In the kitchen?! I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee.”

“Oh, Missy, don’t be impossible! And, yes, we’re still in Crystal Crevice, or at least your father is right now. I had to come back for something but I’m going back down there this afternoon.”

“Come back for what, mother?”

“Oh, um, I had to come back and water my tulips. Yes, that was it. But I’m done now and will be heading back to Crystal Crevice this afternoon. Did I ever tell you I brought them back from Amsterdam? Your father says they’re garish, but I like them just the way they are.”

“You’ve told that story a MILLION times, mother. I’ll pick up some coffee at the Cagey Bee. I gotta get to the MISH. Coco’s waiting for me.”

“Okay, ta-ta, dear!”

“Ta.”

“Next patient, please. Oh, hello, Beautiful. Have a seat in my new dental chair. Just had it installed.”

“Ha ha! Isn’t that a gas?! Now, instead of having to squeeze my nose every time a patient comes in, they can just sit on it. So, what are we doing today, pretending that you need dental work because your friend, Coco, and her new boyfriend, “Alejandro,” just so happened to choose our secret aliases as pet names? Thought so. Okay, now, don’t be scared. I’ve done this before. Show me your teeth.”

“Let me tell you something about that Alejandro, Beautiful. He was in to see me a short time ago because he’d taken a bat to his jaw and needed his teeth reset. Now, I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t heavily sedated, which I am, but he goes by many aliases, probably to avoid deportation. Anyway, Alejando, a.k.a. Rich, is really Sucio Rico, the brother of the lock-kneed pole dancer, Carina Celina Cristina Margarita Sabrina Mutante y Bailarina del Infierno. You might remember her. She used to work at Boners until they took away the lights for the Christmas tree.”

“Hmmhmm hmmhmmhmmhmmhmm?”

“What? Oh, patient confidentiality. I’m a clentist, not a dentist. I didn’t have to take an oath. Didn’t even go to dental school. Okay, now hold still. My hands aren’t as steady as they used to be.”

“HMMM!!!”

“Oh, you’re having pain?! I’m SO sorry. Let me tell you something about pain. PAIN is having someone else show up in your town with the exact same alias and trying to maintain your cover. If I blow it because of him, my afterlife as an operative is over. Kaput. Granted, Sucio Rico is a Spanish name, but it’s Dirty Rich in English. You want to know how I figured all this out? I kept getting all these boxes of jock straps addressed to him in the mail. Now, I ask you: What’s a clown dentist supposed to do with 20 boxes of jock straps?”

“Hm hmm’m hmmm.”

“Where are all my fentanyl shipments? That’s what I’d like to know.”

“Now, the reason I texted you earlier, I don’t hang around with that creepy Crystal Crevice crowd, so if you want to know why your parents are down there, take a look at the Crystal Crevice Crier website. They post an events calendar.”

“Hmhm. Hm hmmm hm hmmm.”

“And if I were you, I’d also take a look in your housekeeper’s purse.”

“Hmmmm hmm, Hmmhm Hmmm!”

“You’re welcome, Beautiful. They don’t call me Dirty Rich, Clown Dentist, for nothing.”

Sound effects obtained from https://www.zapsplat.com

“Coco, remind me again why they call this place the Writer’s Colon.”

WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHUH WHUH, WHOOSH…

“WHAT, MISSY? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THESE HAIR DRYERS.”

WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHUH WHUH, WHOOSH…

“I SAID, ‘WHY DO THEY CALL THIS PLACE THE WRITER’S COLON?’”

WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHUH WHUH, WHOOSH…

“OH. BECAUSE THE SIGN PAINTER RAN OUT OF SPACE.”

“OH, YEAH. RIGHT.”

“Jesus, that was loud.”

 Yeah. Glad that’s over.”

“A reading from the from book of Henry Gray, chapter 1, Osteology…”

“Uh oh. Don’t look now, Missy, but here come those androgynous Terranean burkini models, Inané and Insané.”

“Oh, Jesus. I wonder what they want.” 

“Which one can’t pronounce their Rs? I keep forgetting.”

“Neither of them. They’re identical cousins.”

“In the construction of the human body, it would appear essential, in the first place…”

“Well, well, well. Look who’s in the Whitaw’s Colon, uh-hah-ha-ha.”

“Hello, Insané.”

“to provide some dense and solid texture capable of giving support and attachment to the softer parts of the frame…”

“Can you believe, Inané, aftaw all these yeahs, Missy still can’t tell us apawt? So twagic! I’m Inané, Missy, not Insané.”

“Noted.”

“Too bad you ladies will be wooking at the hotline this weekend. You’ll miss the pawty down in Quistal Quevice.”

“…and at the same time to protect in closed cavities the more important vital organs…”

“What pawt… I mean, party?”

“The Gays of Hawmuz awe holding a fundwaysaw and pweemewing a new film. Evweebody will be thaw. Except for you, appawently. Uh-hah-ha-ha.”

“…and such a structure we find provided in the various bones…”

“Pssst, Missy, aren’t your parents in Crystal Crevice?”

“Shhh! Yes.”

“Well, ladies, we’d love to stay and shoot the bweeze, but we have to get a twim and a blow dwy foh the pawty. If foh some weason the hotline blows up, the pawty is at the weesawt on Quistaw Quevice Queek. Enjoy the west of the weeding.”

“…which form what is called the Skeleton.”

“So glad that’s over!”

“Tell me about it. I think one of them left a rainbow streak.”

“AMEN!”

“Hey Beautiful.”

“Oh, hi Rich. Rich, this is my friend, Missy.”

“Hey Missy.”

“So, what’s up with all the trash all over the floor? I thought you said you had a new housekeeper.”

“We do, but all she does are counters and things she can reach without bending her knees. She says it’s because of her patellar aplasia. As if that’s a real thing.”

“Um hum. And your mom’s okay with it?”

“Oh, yeah, she hired her because of it. She’s her latest charity.”

“Pitiful, just like that Mother Monster police tape you’re tangled up in like in that last video. Hold on a sec…”

“Hello?  Oh, hi Dirt… I mean, Rich. This Saturday? Sure, sounds like fun. I know where it is. See you then. Bye.”

“Who was that?”

“Oh, that was Rich. He wanted to know if I was interested in going to the Writer’s Colon later. They’re putting on a marathon dramatic reading of Gray’s Anatomy.”

“Rich the CSI guy from Dead on a Rival: The Case of the Crock-Pot Killer?”

“No, a new guy.  I like Rich the CSI guy, but he’s kinda stiff.”

“Yeah, and in all the right places.”

“What’d you just say, Missy?!”

“What?”

“You know exactly what. Anyway, I think it’s a predate! Hey, why don’t you come with me? We can go early, and then I’ll just chat with him for a bit, and then we can leave.”

“Sure.”

“Great. So, check this out. My Zombie Zumba instructor wants us to learn this routine. Wanna practice it with me?”

“Sure. Help me out of this tape first.”

“On second thought, give me back the police tape… Hey, that corpse’s hot!”

“Don’t I know it! I wish I could reggaeton pump like that. I don’t have the abs for it.”

“Ooh! Spread the jam!” 

“What?!”

“What?”

 

“Missing Skeletons Hotline. How may I direct your call?”

“Missy, it’s your mother.”

“Oh… Hi Nurse Janet. It’s Coco.”

“Oh, goodness me! Hi Coco. You’d think after eighteen years I’d recognize my own daughter’s voice. How are you, dear?”

“I’m fine, Nurse Janet. Missy’s right here. Hold on.”

“Hello.”

“Missy, it’s your mother. Listen, darling. Your father and I are going down to Crystal Crevice for the rest of the week. There’s some leftover creamy chipped beef and cheese in the fridge that you can heat up for dinner after work, okay?”

“Gross! That stuff tastes like dog shit.”

“Now, Missy, don’t be impossible! I know it does, but your father likes it. Just swallow it down with some strong coffee like I do. Anyway, we’ll call you when we get there.”

“Alright, mother. Gotta get back to work.”

“Okay, dear. Ta-ta.”

“Ta.”

“Hey, so do you want to stay over at my house and watch a movie or something? My parents are going out of town. Ugh. Wait a minute.”

“Missing Skeletons Hotline. How may I direct your call?”

“Hi Coco. It’s Missy’s mother again. Can you put her back on the line?”

“It’s me, mother.”

“Oh, hi dear. I forgot to tell you to pick up your room after dinner. The new housekeeper’s coming tomorrow morning.”

“Fine.”

“Ta-ta.”

“Get a load of this. I have to pick up my room before the new housekeeper comes. Isn’t that what she’s supposed to do?”

“For real.”

“Anyway… Oh, Jesus. Hold on…”

“WHAT IS IT NOW, MOTHER?!! Oh, sorry, sir. Missing Skeletons Hotline. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Have you looked in the closets? Call us back if you still can’t find her. Bye. Anyway, Coco… JESUS!!! STOP BLOWIN’ UP MY PHONE!!! Missing Skeletons Hotline. How may I direct your call? Check your closets first and call us back if you still can’t find her.”

“Missy, you didn’t just unplug that switchboard, did you?”

“Oh yes, I did. They’ll call again if it’s urgent. Oh my God I LOVE this song! You be Beyoncé and I’ll be Gagaloo.”

“You’re only assigning me Beyoncé because you recognize we’re both women of substance, right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Thought so.”

Copyright (c) 2019 Martin Perschler. All rights reserved.