XIII
“Next patient. Oh, hello. Have a seat in my new dental chair. Just had it installed.”
“HA! Gets ’em every time! Chair’s not even new! So, what can I do you for? Take care of that huge underbite? You could put books on that shelf! Um, you know that, right? Now, open wide.”
“Hmm hmmhm hmm hmmhmhmm hmm hmhm hmm. Hmm hm hmmhmm?”
“Oh, Jesus. Who sent you here? Was it that ROTTEN LITTLE CARCASS Missy?! Lemme turn up the compressor. I’m gonna need more gas for this conversation.”
“Alright. Where to start? So, two years ago, this kid – some baseball rookie, the dead brother of an equally dead lock-kneed pole dancer in town people call Chica Mutante – stops in to have his teeth reset because he took a bat to the jaw.”
“It just so happened his name in Spanish was the same as mine in English, so not long after the appointment I start getting his mail. I figured it was because he was on the run from the law and didn’t want to leave a trail, so he had it all sent to my address.”
“Hmm hmm hm hmhmm hmm?”
“I know. Crazy, right? Anyway, these packages start showing up every couple days or so, and the next thing I know, I’m staring at 20 boxes of jockstraps in my waiting room.”
“Hmmm hmmhm.”
“I know, right?! This skeleton’s got no athletic to support! So, on one of my slower days I decide to try one on.”
“Hmm hmm hmmhm hm?”
“Yeah, well, not everybody’s rushing to see a clown dentist. Anyway, I strap one on, and the next thing I know, I’m standing in the middle of the gluten-free aisle at Skully’s supermarket.”
“Hmmm! Hm hmm hmm.”
“I know, right?! I mean, I don’t have celiac disease. I don’t even have intestines.”
“So, it took me a while to figure out what was going on because I was still a bit woozy from the gas. But there I am at Skully’s in the middle of gluten-free and – now, here’s the best part – I’m dressed in a scarlet silk cheongsam.”
“Hmm hmm hm hm?”
“Well, turns out, I didn’t have to do anything because the next thing I know, I’m back in my waiting room. No cheongsam, no jock. I grab my phone to check the date and time, thinking I had just come back from some extended gas-powered psychedelic trip, and what pops up? An alert about some dead ladyboy in a bright red dress who appeared from outa nowhere at Skully’s and then disappeared, leaving behind a smoldering jockstrap.”
“Hmm. Hm hmm hmmm hmm hmm hmm?”
“The first thing I did after taking a huge hit of the nitrous was look again at those boxes. You know what they said? Made in China. Just like that spy satellite rocket that caught fire and broke apart over Texas. Now, I ask you: Coincidence?”
“Hmm. Hmmm hm hmm hm hmmm hm hm hmm hm hmmm hm?”
“Trial and error, basically. After about four or five, I figured out how to work those magic jocks, costumes and all. I couldn’t do anything about them detaching and bursting into flames, though. I needed that for re-entry.”
“Hmm hmm hmmm hmm hm?”
“His real name was Sucio Rico, but he went by Alejandro. No idea what he was planning on doing with them. Smuggle illegals across the border, maybe? I can’t imagine strapping any of those jocks on women or children. They were all extra large.”
“Hmmm hmm hmm hm hmm hmm hmmmm hmm?”
“Hadn’t thought about that. I suppose you could carry one or two under each arm. That’s what I was planning on doing with my missing fentanyl shipments once I tracked them down in that SHITHOLE OF A SHAMLET Crystal Crevice.”
“I looked everywhere for those damn shipments. The library. A private club. A church. Somebody’s yacht. A yarn shop. Liquor store. A laundromat. Bakery. A nursing home. Some random karaoke bar. One of the gas stations. A public restroom. I even checked baggage claim at the Crystal Crevice airport. Didn’t find a single one. I literally burned through every jockstrap trying.”
“Hmmm hmm hmm hm hmmm hmm hmm hm?”
“BECAUSE THAT FENTANYL WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE! I GET ALL MY ILLEGAL DRUGS FAIR AND SQUARE!”
“Hmm hm Hmmhmm hm Hmm?”
“The Savings and Loan? I have no idea. Sure as hell wasn’t me. Some copycat, maybe?”
“Hmm hm. Hm hmm hmm hm?”
“Well, I can tell you this much. If I was the John on that robbery case, I woulda been dialing M for Moron. I mean, who laughs like that?!”
THE END
What were you expecting? Literature?!
Mr. Funny Bones 