Missy Impossible, Chapter 5

“Next patient, please. Oh, hello, Beautiful. Have a seat in my new dental chair. Just had it installed.”

“Ha ha! Isn’t that a gas?! Now, instead of having to squeeze my nose every time a patient comes in, they can just sit on it. So, what are we doing today, pretending that you need dental work because your friend, Coco, and her new boyfriend, “Alejandro,” just so happened to choose our secret aliases as pet names? Thought so. Okay, now, don’t be scared. I’ve done this before. Show me your teeth.”

“Let me tell you something about that Alejandro, Beautiful. He was in to see me a short time ago because he’d taken a bat to his jaw and needed his teeth reset. Now, I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t heavily sedated, which I am, but he goes by many aliases, probably to avoid deportation. Anyway, Alejando, a.k.a. Rich, is really Sucio Rico, the brother of the lock-kneed pole dancer, Carina Celina Cristina Margarita Sabrina Mutante y Bailarina del Infierno. You might remember her. She used to work at Boners until they took away the lights for the Christmas tree.”

“Hmmhmm hmmhmmhmmhmmhmm?”

“What? Oh, patient confidentiality. I’m a clentist, not a dentist. I didn’t have to take an oath. Didn’t even go to dental school. Okay, now hold still. My hands aren’t as steady as they used to be.”

“HMMM!!!”

“Oh, you’re having pain?! I’m SO sorry. Let me tell you something about pain. PAIN is having someone else show up in your town with the exact same alias and trying to maintain your cover. If I blow it because of him, my afterlife as an operative is over. Kaput. Granted, Sucio Rico is a Spanish name, but it’s Dirty Rich in English. You want to know how I figured all this out? I kept getting all these boxes of jock straps addressed to him in the mail. Now, I ask you: What’s a clown dentist supposed to do with 20 boxes of jock straps?”

“Hm hmm’m hmmm.”

“Where are all my fentanyl shipments? That’s what I’d like to know.”

“Now, the reason I texted you earlier, I don’t hang around with that creepy Crystal Crevice crowd, so if you want to know why your parents are down there, take a look at the Crystal Crevice Crier website. They post an events calendar.”

“Hmhm. Hm hmmm hm hmmm.”

“And if I were you, I’d also take a look in your housekeeper’s purse.”

“Hmmmm hmm, Hmmhm Hmmm!”

“You’re welcome, Beautiful. They don’t call me Dirty Rich, Clown Dentist, for nothing.”

Sound effects obtained from https://www.zapsplat.com